


Disappearing Act Done Poorly

by thisisbeebo



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, College, Heartbreak, Love them, M/M, Ryden, Rydon, School, freshman boys, some happy some sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 18:41:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14939744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisbeebo/pseuds/thisisbeebo
Summary: Brendon and Ryan are about to start their first year of college. However, some things get in their way.





	Disappearing Act Done Poorly

I’ll still be here, wishing and waiting for you to come home.

Another line written on another unsent letter. Seems like he’d never get to sending them. He scrapped the paper.  
Brendon set down his pen and sat back in his desk chair. The window was open, blowing hot air into his cramped room. Already, there were boxes packed full of clothes and supplies for his new room. It was the summer before their freshman year of college, an exciting time full of warm weather and anxiety. “A fresh beginning” as Ryan would put it.  
Unfortunately, this beginning didn’t involve Brendon in it.  
It had only been a couple weeks, but Brendon was formulating on something to send in the mail to Ryan after their break up- something finalizing, something to put his feelings to rest. It seemed like within these two weeks Ryan had already moved on in his life. They were still planning to go to the same school in the fall. Brendon found this to be incredibly inconvenient. It would surely be difficult to go to school every day, hoping not to see his old lover. Maybe he’d see if he could get classes that he wouldn’t be in. No, no use in being petty. He was better off to just man up and face him eventually.

“Knock knock!”  
The friendly face of his mother peeked in.  
“What are you doing? You look… disgruntled.”  
He tilted his head up. She let herself in, putting her back against the bedroom door.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing’s wrong,” he started, trying not to give in. He really needed to talk to someone, but his mom wasn’t his first choice. At least she was someone to listen to.  
“Nothing’s wrong.” He stated again with firmness, but trying not to push her away.  
“Okay…”  
She wasn’t buying it.  
“Well,” she turned around, back to Brendon, “I’ll leave you be.”  
Brendon regretted the conversation, wishing he would have opened up. It’s not like his mom didn’t support his relationship, but she never showed real empathy towards it. The relationship’s end didn’t really sway her. On the other hand, it created a giant wave in Brendon’s otherwise steady life. Not just a wave. A damn tsunami.

He picked his phone up, expecting some kind of miracle in which Ryan texted or called him. Of course, nothing. Sighing, Brendon turned back to his unfinished letter, feeling the breeze.  
His eyes scanned the messily written words.

“Ryan,

I know it’s only been a couple weeks. But I’m really sorry for-”

The second sentence was always the hardest to finish. The apology never sounded right. It had to be something sincere, but vague enough for Ryan to keep reading it. Ryan was likely to read just a bit of the letter before tossing it in the trash. At least that’s the Ryan Brendon knew. This break up proved him to be heartless after all.  
Maybe he just needed a friend. Brendon picked up his blank-screened phone to text Spencer. In these moments it was only right to find something to do. 

“Can we hang out? Please?” He hit send. A couple minutes went by before he got a text back.  
“Yes, where?”  
He was relieved. Spencer was always able to hang out. He had quit his job to enjoy the summer, leaving him with endless time to hang out with Brendon. Luckily, he hadn’t grown tired of him. Spencer was more than understanding about the break up, too. He was in a relationship of his own, although his seemed to be going very well. Regardless, he understood the impact it left on Brendon.  
“Anywhere I guess. The mall?”  
Minutes felt like eternities.  
“Cool.. see you”

Brendon clicked his phone off, finally getting up from the chair he had been sitting in for hours. He looked in the mirror, feeling like the outfit he was wearing was good enough for somewhere casual like the mall. Finally 18 years old, Brendon didn’t bother telling his mom where he was going. She was accepting of it, knowing he wouldn’t get into trouble. He grabbed the keys that were hanging next to the door, and made his way out.  
The family’s car, rusty and dusty, awaited his arrival in the driveway.

It was a short drive to the mall. The song on the radio was an agonizing love song, which Brendon recognized about half way in. It was better to not to listen to any love songs at the moment. He pulled into the parking lot, seeing Spencer standing by the front entrance of the mall.

“Spencer!” Brendon ran up to his friend, arms wide. He embraced him in a long hug. It felt good to be close to someone. After all this time, Brendon had mostly secluded himself in his own room, letting his mom in only sometimes.  
“Uh, thanks for the hug,” Spencer laughed. He rolled with it.  
They went into the mall, both feeling happy to be in each other’s presence. It was nice to see Brendon in some other state than sadness and loneliness. He felt truly good to be out and about, especially with Spencer.They walked around, poking fun at different clothes in various stores. Brendon had only brought a ten dollar bill, in which he planned to buy some french fries with. Spencer was actually shopping, occasionally buying something they were eyeing. He bought Brendon a new jacket, as it seemed courteous and thoughtful. Brendon was very thankful and taken aback, as Spencer was usually pretty frugal when it came to gifts.

They stopped in the food court, carrying a few bags. Spencer gestured to Brendon to come and sit across to him at a table. Brendon slowly sat down, shooting a questioning look at him.  
“Sorry,” Spencer said, setting his bags down, “I just wanted to talk to you a little bit.  
“What is it?” Brendon asked, already inferring what it was about.  
“I just figured you needed to talk to someone about your.. uh, break up. I don’t think you’ve talked to your mom about it and I knew your relationship better than anyone else. Sorry, I don’t mean to invade your privacy or anything. I’ve just noticed you’re looking kinda sad.”  
“Oh, yeah.” Brendon shyly slumped over. He wanted to talk about it, he just didn’t want all kinds of memories to flood back.

“I guess it was bad. Pretty bad, honestly.” He looked up at Spencer, who was interested.  
“I saw it coming. We didn’t really work together. It was just some of the small things that made me realize it wasn’t going to end well. We were both so excited for college, but I think we just got caught up in our own things. We had different interests, you know? Ryan just wanted to party. I want to go to school to actually learn things. Our lifestyles are different. So. Yeah.” He let the words spill out.  
Spencer nodded, letting out a small “I see.”  
“That really sucks,” he continued, “I must admit, I didn’t see any issues between you guys. I thought you were pretty good together. Sounds like there were some things I didn’t hear about it.”  
“Yeah,” Brendon confessed, “I should have opened up to you more. I just didn’t want you to take on those worries. It was complicated.”  
“Sucks that it’s right before college too. I thought you guys were gonna stick together through it too.”  
Brendon nodded. “It was only a matter of time. He told me early on that he was gonna be more of the party type, and it made me feel bad.”

“What are you gonna do now?”  
A sigh came from Brendon. “I don’t know.”  
If Spencer only knew about the many letters, missed calls, and tears shedded at night. He had to get over it. Spencer was leaning in that direction, but never said it directly.  
“You have to do something Brendon, you can’t expect it to just go away,” he said.  
Spencer’s voice suddenly turned into mush, disappearing into the background. A rush of heat went through Brendon’s body.  
“No,” he muttered.  
“What?”  
His voice was still muddied and fading.  
It was exactly what Brendon was fearing. Anxiety shook through his legs.  
“It’s him…”  
Spencer looked and said, “Shit.”  
Brendon didn’t know what to do. He looked for a quick exit, a hiding place, somewhere to run to. He needed to get away without getting noticed. There was no way he was going to let Ryan see him. More anxiety flooded through him, making him break an obvious sweat. This was definitely not needed. There was already too much on this mind, now this. This.

“I gotta go,” he said, shakily.  
“No, Brendon, you can’t go,” Spencer stopped him, “stay here.”  
“What should I do?!”  
Ryan was standing a reasonable distance from Brendon, not noticing him. Although still far away, Brendon could sense him as if he was sitting next to him. It was a disgusting feeling.  
“Just don’t turn around.”  
Brendon turned around and they locked eyes.  
“Damn it,” Brendon whispered.  
Ryan stood there, like a deer frozen in headlights. His large, brown, watery eyes were visible from miles away. Brendon stared back. With gazes matched, neither moved a muscle.  
Feelings of love and misery and nostalgia all fell onto Brendon. He wanted to run to him, hug him, and apologize profusely. Spencer put a hand on his shoulder.  
“Don’t,” he heard Spencer’s voice more clearly.  
When he looked back, Ryan was gone.

After a few seconds Brendon came back to reality.  
“Did I imagine that?”  
“No, that was him. You shouldn't have looked.”  
“Sorry,” Brendon said, feeling bad. He was right. He shouldn't have stared at all, it only made matters worse. At least he was gone. God, what a rush.  
“We should go,” Brendon suggested.  
“Okay, that’s fine.”  
“Are you mad?”  
Spencer shook his head. “Do you want to come to my house?”  
“Okay.”  
“Let’s go,” Spencer smiled.


End file.
